Milhouse Gets A StepFather
by monkeyshoe
Summary: Milhouse's mother remarries, and Milhouse hates her boyfriend Jack. While trying to make them split up, Milhouse and Bart find something very interesting... Chapter 9 is up!
1. Aw, I Was Hoping We Won The Lottery

Milhouse Gets A Step-Father

That's probably the worst title I ever thought of XD I hope you like this, it took me a while to get the story straight, and I was testing the theory of "Writing Better Stories When Listening To Music" so I was listening to my iPod while writing this. I'm just testing the theory out though so it might not work. Here's good luck to that theory! Please review and let me know what you think.

- MonkeyShoe

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Milhouse Gets A Step-Father

Chapter 1 – Aw, I Was Hoping We Won The Lottery

Milhouse Van Houten came home from school seeing his mother on the phone as she usually was. Probably arguing with his father again. But on closer inspection, he found that she looked happy, she normally doesn't look happy talking to Dad.

He walked into the kitchen seeing his mother crying, smiling and gently hopping. "Yes! Yes! Yes! You made me the happiest woman on earth! Thank you so much!" She paused for a second, then her smile slightly faded, she was still smiling, but not as much as a second before. "Oh, yeah, him. I'll be sure to tell him…"

_Can't be Dad on the phone then_, thought Milhouse, _Must be her boss giving her a promotion or something_

After a few more minutes of talking, she hung up the phone and turned to Milhouse. "Son, I have excellent news."

"You got a promotion? You won the lottery?"

"As you know, Jack and I have been dating for a while now…"

Milhouse gulped. His heart sank like a stone. He knew what she was going to say…

"Well, we're…" Luanne Van Houten sighed happily, "we're getting married, Milhouse."

Milhouse felt like being sick. He hated Jack Burtin. Every time he came over to the house he would give him noogies and make him run around the house several times, shouting at him along the way, and calling him a weakling.

"Mom, please don't marry him, I'll do chores, I'll give you all of my allowance, I'LL DO ANYTHING YOU WANT!"

"Don't worry, Milhouse." Said Luanne. "You and Jack are going to be great friends."

"No we're not! No we're not!" Milhouse kneeled down before his mother. "Please, please!"

"Sorry, Milhouse, but that's the way it is. Now get up and do your homework."

The next day at school Milhouse told Bart his mother was getting remarried to her boyfriend.

"Well, that's a good thing, ain't it?" said Bart. "I mean, is he strong?"

"Yes."

"Is he rich?"

"Yes."

"Does he like you?"

"No."

"Oh, I see the problem," Bart scratched his chin. "If he's strong, rich, and likes you, he'd be a better dad then your real Dad." He continued to scratch his chin. "We have to make him like you."

"No, Bart, no crazy schemes, no more of those." He hung his head and shed a small tear. "I guess I'm going to have to live with the fact that my mother's getting remarried to a jerk who hates me."

"It could be worse." Said Bart.

"How worse?"

"She could be getting remarried to a **murderous **jerk that hates you."

"Yeah, I guess you're right…"

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End Of Chapter 1 – Please review! Please… 


	2. Milhouse Has To Forever Hold His Peace

Milhouse Gets A Step-Father

Alright, I'm still testing the theory, but the most important part of all this is the story, so please tell me what you think! Thanks.

- MonkeyShoe

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Milhouse Gets A Step-Father

Chapter 2 – Milhouse Has To Forever Hold His Peace

After a few months of planning and spreading the word around (mostly to Luanne's ex-husband) the marriage was ready to take place. Milhouse sat in the pew watching Reverend Lovejoy ask Luanne and Jack the questions.

"Jack, do you take Luanne to be your lawful-wedded wife?"

"I do." Said Jack, smiling. Milhouse gulped.

"Luanne, do you take Jack to…"

"I do, I do already." Said Luanne, obviously getting tired of waiting.

Again, Milhouse's heart sank. It was even worse when Lovejoy said "You may now kiss the bride." When Jack and Luanne kissed, Milhouse felt like running out of the church. He should have said something when Lovejoy said "I anyone has anything against this marriage, speak now or forever hold your peace."

Looks like he's going to have to hold his peace. That's what he always does.

During the honeymoon, Milhouse had to stay with his father in his apartment.

"I can't believe Luanne would do this, I mean, what's Jack got that I don't got?"

Milhouse sighed. "A job, a house, a good physique, a car, money…"

"MONEY!" Shouted Kirk Van Houten. "That's why she's married that bag of scum! She always was a gold-digger. She took all my money and divorced me like that, asking for even more money."

Milhouse sighed. He picked up the remote and turned on the TV. Maybe Krusty would cheer him up.

"Hello, kids. Who wants to see Itchy & Scratchy?" A roar of "Yes!" came from the audience. "Okay!"

Milhouse kept watching. When Itchy & Scratchy finished, he yawned. It was always the same. Cat meets mouse. Mouse kills cat. Cat dead. It was the same every episode.

_Wow_, Milhouse thought to himself, _I never thought I'd actually think that, there must be something wrong with me…_

Kirk walked in from the kitchen. "Dinner's ready, Milhouse."

Milhouse sniffed the air. "I smell cheap pasta."

"Geez, do you ALWAYS have to be judge, jury and executioner?"

The next day at school, Bart ran up to Milhouse and patted his shoulder. "So, how's having the dad from Hell going?"

"I don't know, really." Said Milhouse. "They're not back from their honeymoon yet."

"Do you know when they will be?"

"Tomorrow or Wednesday."

"Milhouse, if you want this Jack guy to like you and stop giving you a hard time, you have to get stronger and get off your fat ass."

"My butt's not fat."

Bart slapped his head. "I mean you have to get yourself fit and strong. C'mon, to the gym."

FIVE MINUTES LATER 

"Well, that was a waste of time." Said Bart, as Milhouse hyperventilated on the ground. "We've only been here about four minutes and you already fell to the ground."

"I'm… sorry… Bart."

"Don't worry, my friend," said Bart, helping Milhouse up, "I have figured out that if you want Jack out of your hair, the trick is not to get Jack to like you, but to get Jack and your Mom to split up."

"How can we do that?" asked Milhouse.

"We either leave it to time, or we spread rumours that Jack is cheating on your Mom, she'll be so angry, she'll divorce him on the spot."

"I'm not sure…"

"C'mon, Milhouse, more than half of second marriages after a divorce lead to another divorce once in an while."

"I'm still not sure."

"You want Jack out or not?"

"Yes, yes I do."

"Then we spread rumours, I mean, that marriage is probably a sham anyway, everyone knows your mom only marries for money."

Milhouse stood up straight. "Let's do it! There's just one thing…"

"What?"

"We have to wait for her to come back from the honeymoon."

"Oh, yeah."

"Don't we have a class to get to?" asked Milhouse, just realising that.

"Don't we all, Milhouse? Don't we all?"

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I think this theory's going pretty well, don't you? I must have listened to about seven songs while writing that. Please review because I go mad without them! XD 


	3. Banana Is Such A Funny Word

Milhouse Gets A Step-Father

Hopefully this is where things get interesting, Jack and Luanne are back from their honeymoon, and Bart and Milhouse put their plan into effect. The theory is going fantastically well, I wrote a couple of other stories using this, and they worked out pretty well too (apart from that song parody, wow what WAS I thinking?). So, enjoy the new chapter.

Milhouse Gets A Step-Father

Chapter 3 – Banana Is Such A Funny Word

Luanne and Jack didn't come back the next day, OR Wednesday, the truth was they didn't come back until about a month after they were supposed to come back, because they thought everyone would be worried.

That left nasty images in Milhouse's head.

When they came back, Jack ran inside and found Milhouse watching television.

"Hello there, sport. How's it hanging?"

"Alright."

"Weren't you supposed to be at your dad's place while we were gone?"

"I went back here when your were supposed to be back."

"Well, good news, _son_," Milhouse shuddered, "I'm your dad now, so could you do me a favour?"

"What?" asked Milhouse, starting to shake with fear.

"Go out to the backyard and cut up some good ol' firewood. Bring it in, start a fire, and then go to bed."

"But, we have firewood already."

"Did you hear me? I gave you an order, NOW GO CUT THAT WOOD!"

Milhouse walked out into the back garden, grumbling. When he started to cut the wood, the walkie-talkie in his back pocket vibrated. He picked it up. "Bart? Is that you?"

"Yes, I'm right behind you," said Bart's voice. Milhouse turned around to see Bart right behind him with his walkie-talkie. "Ready for action?"

"Yeah. What's your plan?"

"We start off simple. We take this banana…" Bart brought out said banana, "and we make Jack slip on it and fall unconscious when he hits the floor. Then you tell your mom that he got drunk and collapsed."

"That's a good idea. C'mon, give me the banana."

Bart handed him the banana, he peeled it, removed the squishy yellow stuff inside, and was left with the peel. They ran inside. They hid behind a pot-plant, waiting for Jack to come out.

After a few minutes of waiting, they heard Jack say "Boy, I could really use a beer." He walked out of the television room. Milhouse threw the banana skin to the ground, and, as hoped, Jack slipped on it and fell to the ground, unconscious.

"Oh…" Jack grumbled, then nodded off.

"Quick Milhouse, get your mom."

Milhouse ran out and got to Luanne, who was washing dishes in the kitchen. "Mom! Mom! Mom!"

"What, sweety?"

"Jack got drunk and passed out in the hall!"

"Did he?" asked Luanne.

"Yes! Yes he did!"

Luanne giggled. "Jack was always a party animal, give him a few minutes and he'll be back up again."

"But, before he passed out, he tried to beat me!"

"Now, someone's telling tales."

"I'm not Mom!"

"Now, Milhouse, go back outside and play with Bart. Don't worry, Jack will be fine."

Milhouse knocked his head against the wall outside. "I should have known that wouldn't have worked." He said, then he stopped knocking his head, "And I should have known that would have hurt my head."

"Don't beat yourself up, Milhouse. Look what I found in Jack's jacket pocket." Bart got out a rolled magazine. Milhouse looked at it. It was an issue of PlayDude.

"Bart, I'm not sure we should read that, I mean, you remember the last time…"

"I'm not saying that we should read it, stupid!" said Bart, " I'm saying that Jack has been looking at ladies that look better then his wife."

"But he could have been just about to get rid of it, to celebrate the fact that he was a married man."

"After a month-long honeymoon? Milhouse, I think we need to do a little bit of investigating…" He threw the magazine into the thrash can and ran inside "Follow me, Milhouse!"

They ran up to the master bedroom, where Luanne and Jack slept. Bart and Milhouse opened up the closets and cupboards, finding nothing important. Until Bart found something underneath the bed.

"Hello, what's this?" He brought out the box and opened it up. He felt like throwing up when he saw what was inside.

Milhouse looked inside. "Wow. You were right, Bart. That wasn't the only PlayDude he had."

Bart put the lid back on instantly. "Okay, first off, we have to burn this, because 1. It will annoy Jack, 2. it creeps me out. Then, tomorrow, we test out my new plan…"

So they threw the box into the tire fire, and Bart explained to Milhouse what his plan was for the next day. Milhouse like the idea, so the shook hands on the idea and went to their respective homes.

I hope that was good enough for all of you people. I can now say proudly that the theory works. :D As always, please review. Thanks.


	4. Chief Wiggum, Lay Off The Fatty Foods

Milhouse Gets A Step-Father

I decided to skip the intro this time. XD Enjoy Chapter 4

- MonkeyShoe

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Milhouse Gets A Step-Father

Chapter 4 – Chief Wiggum Really Needs To Lay Off The Fatty Foods

Bart's plan was to follow Jack around if he goes out alone at night. Milhouse checked every night; until finally Jack told Luanne he was off to get a drink at Moe's. He got Bart on his Walkie-Talkie and they met at his house, and started to follow Jack.

Luckily, Jack decided not to use his car and walked. Milhouse and Bart followed him, hiding behind trees and cars on the way.

They reached Moe's but Jack passed it without so much as a nod towards the drunken people passed out in front of it.

Instead he headed to the Kwik-E-Mart. He stood beside the dumpster and took out a balaclava. He stretched it and placed it on his head and pulled it down so his face couldn't be seen.

Milhouse and Bart stood there, shocked. Jack was going to steal from the Kwik-E-Mart. They ran over.

"Okay, Milhouse, you hide beside the dumpster, I'll go in, he can't recognise you." Said Bart. Milhouse gave him the thumbs-up and Bart walked inside and walked over to the arcade games and started playing "Pac-Dude 72" while looking at Jack closely.

He saw Jack look over at the magazine section, and saw him take an issue of PlayDude and hide it under his jacket. He continued by taking other adult magazines and reading them before hiding them in his jacket.

Apu, the storeowner, looked over and saw Jack reading the magazine, but he didn't see him put any other ones in his jacket.

"Hey!" said Apu. "This is not a lending library, either buy that or leave it back! Also, could you take that balaclava off, its making me feel uneasy, as I have a long history of being robbed and shot."

Jack took out a gun from his jacket. "I won't be doing any of those things."

Apu shrieked and put his hands in the air. "Please do not shoot, just take the money and go."

Jack scratched his head. "I wasn't planning on taking your money… but alright." He took the money and ran out. Bart ran out after him and got Milhouse.

"Milhouse, did he see you?"

"No." said Milhouse.

"Did you see where he went?"

"Over there, towards the park."

Bart looked around, and he saw Chief Wiggum's police car drive in. "Chief Wiggum!"

Wiggum turned to the boys. "What's wrong, boys?"

"The Kwik-E-Mart's been robbed!" said Bart.

"What? Did you see where the robber went?"

They pointed towards the park.

"He must be trying to escape through the big pipe that leads to the other side of the city. Follow me, boys."

The three of them ran to the park and saw Jack, sure enough, climbing into a pipe. He crawled inside.

"Don't worry, boys," said Chief Wiggum, "I'll get him." He rolled up his sleeves and ran towards the pipe and jumped in. But he got stuck when he tried to get the rest of him in. He waved his legs.

"Gahh! I'm too fat to get in!" said the muffled voice of Wiggum from inside. "Boys, help me out!"

Milhouse and Bart grabbed Wiggum's legs and pulled him out. He was covered in grime and green muck you'd expect from a sewer pipe.

"Wooh! We lost him. Do you boys have any idea who he was?"

Bart and Milhouse looked at each other. "We do, sir."

"Who? Who?"

"Jack Burtin, have you heard of him?" said Milhouse.

"Jack Burtin? Heard of him? Why, he used to be in the force!"

"_USED_ to be?" asked Bart.

"Yeah, he quit after he got sued by a robber for giving him a broken leg while chasing him."

"Did he lose the case or something?"

"No, he won, and got so much money he was set for life, so he quit the force. But that robber couldn't be Jack Burtin."

"Why not?" said Milhouse.

"Because, One: Jack Burtin was a selfless man who would never steal, and Two: He died two years ago."

"What?" said Milhouse and Bart at the same time.

"Yeah, heart failure it was. Ate too much salty burgers, really makes you think." Chief Wiggum stood there for a moment. "Well, I gotta go to Krusty Burger, don't worry though, we'll catch that crook, whatever his name is."

He walked away. Bart and Milhouse walked home, with lots of thoughts going through their heads.

"You know what, Milhouse?" said Bart.

"Chief Wiggum forgot to realise that we were minors walking around town all by ourselves in the middle of the night?"

"No, your step-father not only looks at pornography when he's married, but he's also a robber and… Jack isn't his real name."

"Yeah, he uses a fake name, I wonder what his real name is…"

"Milhouse, I'm worried. I don't like the sound of this. I'm worried for you AND your Mom."

"Oh, no. Bart, you're right! He might be planning to murder her right now!"

The two friends ran to Milhouse's house and burst in, ran up the stairs and opened the bedroom door, and saw…

Luanne and the so-called Jack lying in bed, Luanne asleep, Jack reading a book.

Luanne woke up and saw Milhouse and Bart. "Milhouse, what's wrong? Isn't it a bit late to be playing with Bart?"

"Mom, Jack's planning to murder you! Jack's not even his real name!"

"Now, Milhouse, that's enough horseplay for today. Now go to bed! Bart, go to your own house, your mother's probably worried sick about you."

"But…"

"Listen to your mother, Milhouse." Said Jack.

Milhouse hung his head and walked to his room. Bart followed him. "I have to go now, Milhouse, but if anything happens, I have my walkie-talkie, remember?"

"Right."

Bart walked out to go to his house. Milhouse got dressed into his pyjamas and went to bed. Tomorrow was another day, and this Jack person, whatever his real name was, was going to go down.

* * *

Ooh, I love twists. This is sometimes the best part of writing a story as it goes along, you start off with a simple plot, and in the middle of writing, you get lots of wonderful new ideas. I can't wait to see what else I have up my sleeve… In fact, I'll go look up there now… I see my arm, and nothing else. Oh well, more will come. Please review. - MonkeyShoe 


	5. LimaBean? No Wonde He Changed His Name!

Milhouse Gets A Step-Father

You probably know what's going to happen here because of the name, but much more is happening, you'll figure it out soon, just read it. I do not own the Simpsons, but Jack Burtin (Both the real one and Milhouse's Step-Father) I own, so please do not use them in your stories without my prior permission (which I won't give to you anyway :D) Please enjoy Chapter 5

- MonkeyShoe

Milhouse Gets A Step-Father

Chapter 5 – Lima-Bean? No Wonder He's Using A Different Name

The next morning when Milhouse woke up and walked to the kitchen to get his breakfast, there was a note left for him at the table. It read:

Milhouse – Jack and I are going on a romantic boat-ride around Springfield; Jack even says he has a surprise for me! Be sure to be a good boy and go to school, we'll be home around seven, the key to the house is under the Welcome mat

_Mom_

Milhouse felt like screaming right there. He grabbed his walkie-talkie. "Bart, come here quick."

Bart came in a few seconds later. "What took you so fast?" asked Milhouse.

"I was on the bus and it stopped by your house. What happened?"

"I got a letter from my Mom, it says 'Jack' took her on a romantic boat-ride around the town. But there's a few things wrong with the letter."

"What?"

"Look here, where it says 'a boat ride around Springfield'"

"What about it?"

"There's a semi-colon there, Mom doesn't know the rules of the semi-colon. Also, she said the key is under the Welcome mat. She would never do that, because robbers would expect the key to be there, she always hides the key underneath the dirt in pot plants."

The two of them walked out and Milhouse lifted up the Welcome mat. Nothing was there except dirt and bugs.

"See, no key. Jack must have taken it with them."

Otto called from the bus, "Yo, dudes, let's get going!"

"Go on, Otto, we're too busy for school."

"Alright." Otto closed the doors and drove on.

"Quick, to the master bedroom!" said Milhouse.

"What's up there? Shouldn't we be worried about that boat ride?"

"I realised something, said Milhouse, climbing up the steps. "In movies, when bad guys use a different name, they usually have a card with their real name on it."

"This isn't a movie, Milhouse!"

"Oh, yeah?" Milhouse came out of the room, holding a driver's license. "See this!"

Bart looked at it, it had Jack's picture on it, but the name on it was…

"Stephen Lima-Bean"

"Lima-Bean?" said Bart, laughing. "Lima-Bean! Hahaha! LIMA-BEAN! Milhouse, did you see this?"

But Milhouse was already running down the stairs. "Stop laughing at the name, Bart. C'mon! We have to find their boat!"

At Springfield Elementary, Principal Seymour Skinner, was looking at the tardy list, and he came across the names of Bart Simpson and Milhouse Van Houten.

"Hmm. It's normal for Bart to be tardy, but Milhouse has never missed a day of school." He stood up. "They must be in cahoots over something." He picked up his phone. "Beatrice, hold my calls. I'm going looking for some boys playing truant."

"Fine." Said Beatrice.

Skinner hung up, straightened up his tie, and walked out of the school, jumped into his car, and sped off.

Bart and Milhouse ran around town, looking in the rivers, looking for boats, but with no luck, until they found a small wood building on the beach with the words "Boat Rental" written on it.

They ran over to it, and saw the Sea Captain.

"Excuse me, but did you see my mom and another man come here to rent a boat?"

"Arr, yes I did, they looked like such a happy couple." Said the Sea Captain.

"We need to know their route. Now!"

"Here ye go." Said the Sea Captain as he gave them a map of Springfield with red arrows going through the rivers. "Everyone who rents a boat must use this route, it goes all the way around town."

"Do you know where they would be around now?" asked Bart, looking at the map.

"Well, it was about 2 hours ago when they rented the boat, so they should be near or around the bridge near The Krusty Burger. Dare I ask why you are asking all these questions?"

"The man's gonna kill my mom!" said Milhouse.

"What?" The Sea Captain jumped out, holding a harpoon. "Alright then boys, follow me. We'll get that scumbag!"

The three of them ran to the bridge, and they saw the boat coming near.

"There it is!" said the Sea Captain, bringing up his harpoon. "Don't worry, I'll get 'em."

"NO! You might shoot my Mom!"

He put his harpoon down. "Arr, there must be some other way of getting them."

Chief Wiggum walked out of the nearby Krusty Burger and saw them. "Hey, Bart! Milhouse! Saw that robber recently?"

"He's in that boat!" said Milhouse, pointing at the boat.

"Don't worry, I'll shoot him!" Wiggum brought out his gun and aimed it.

"No, you're aiming at my mom!"

"Sorry." Wiggum brought down his gun, laughing. "All these fatty foods make my hand eye coordination horrible."

Just then, a car sped to the bridge and stopped. Principal Skinner jumped out. "Ha! I found you Simpson! And Milhouse too! I knew you two were in cahoots."

"Wait, Skinner, we can explain…" said Bart.

"Don't bother explaining, Simpson. You two are in big trouble…"

Milhouse looked behind him. The boat with his Mom and Lima-Bean was coming closer.

"Wait, Skinner, he can explain…" started Wiggum.

"So you have the cops in on this too, huh, Simpson? What's your plan?"

Milhouse was sweating. The boat was about to go under the bridge.

"But Skinner…" said The Sea Captain.

"I don't listen to fish people!"

"Arr…"

Milhouse couldn't take it any longer. He stood up on side of the bridge.

"Van Houten, what are you doing?"

Milhouse braced himself.

"Milhouse?" asked Bart.

The boat was underneath him. Milhouse jumped.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

Will Milhouse survive the jump? Will Stephen Lima-Bean be revealed as the fake he is? When will Homer be in this story? All will be revealed soon…


	6. Save Your Mother's Life On Your Own Time

Milhouse Gets A Step-Father

Ready for it? Want to know what happens after Milhouse jumps off the bridge? Well, you're going to have to wait XD. Just kidding, keep reading.

-MonkeyShoe

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Milhouse Gets A Step-Father

Chapter 6 – Save Your Mother's Life On Your Own Time!

Milhouse jumped from the bridge and started falling down, down, down… and landed… straight into the water.

The boat had just swum under the bridge. Milhouse turned and tried to swim towards it, but unfortunately, since he couldn't swim, he didn't get very far before rushing to the riverbed.

When he got there, he was met by the concerned Bart, Chief Wiggum, Sea Captain and a very angry looking Skinner.

"Milhouse, what on earth drove you to jump from the bridge? I knew you were a sad, worthless nerd, but that certainly wouldn't make you try to commit suici…"

"SKINNER!" shouted Bart, "He wasn't committing suicide, he was trying to save his mom!"

Skinner stood back. "What? But…"

"Arr, 'tis true, Skinner." Said The Sea Captain. "That knave she married was about to do something that wouldn't be very good."

"I still don't understand." Said Skinner, who started to turn and walk to his car. "I mean, skipping school, and then making up some junk about trying to stop his step-father from murdering his mother… And getting a cop in on the joke too, that's pretty highbrow, even for Simpson! You're all getting detention!"

"But we're not lying!" said Milhouse.

"I don't care, you can try to save your mother from impending doom on your own time, there is no, I said **NO **excuse for skipping school, young men!"

Before Bart and Milhouse could stand their ground and protest, they were grabbed by Skinner and thrown into his car.

"No! My mom…" said Milhouse, before a loud call of shut up came from Skinner and the doors slammed shut.

As the car rode away, Chief Wiggum turned to the sea captain and said, "Well, this is the craziest week of my life."

"Arr." Agreed the Sea Captain. "How about we go see a movie?"

"That sounds good." Chief Wiggum and The Sea Captain walked away to the Springfield Googolplex, completely unaware of the fact that Luanne's boat was now heading towards the Springfield Dam…

* * *

Four hours later, in the Springfield Elementary Detention hall, Bart and Milhouse were sitting, wanting more then ever before that they would be let out.

Skinner came inside and faced them. "Now, boys, I hope you've all learned your lesson."

"Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!" said the boys in unison.

"Alright. I suppose you can go now."

The boys rushed outside and headed towards Milhouse's house. Just had they thought, no one was inside. So they ran over to The Sea Captain's boat rental shack, and saw that the boat Luanne and Stephen Lima-Bean had been using was not there. They also saw that the Sea Captain had completely disappeared, but his harpoon was in the shack.

"This is creepy, Bart. Who knows what that guy might be doing to them…"

Bart looked inside the shack. "Hey, look, a note!" He bent down and took it out. "Hey, this doesn't make any sense!"

"Let me see." Milhouse looked at the note. It read…

**IN PRING FELDS MAD**

"It doesn't make any sense." Said Milhouse. He read it over, "Wait…"

"What? Did you find something?" asked Bart.

"Yeah, it's an anagram!"

"An anawhat-now?"

"A word with the letters mixed up so it makes a different word."

"But _In Pring Felds Mad_ doesn't make any sense, what could they be…"

"Bart, what's "mad" backwards?" said Milhouse.

"Dam, why?"

"Look, _Mad_ backwards is _Dam_, if you mix up the other words, you get…"

"SPRINGFIELD!" shouted Bart, "The Sea Captain must have been kidnapped and taken to the Springfield Dam!"

* * *

Ha ha, that is the end of chapter 6. Hope you all like it, please review the story, because, without them, I'll go crazy and kill you all! Just kidding. 


	7. Oh, Dam

Milhouse Gets A Step-Father

Chapter 7 – Oh, Dam

Bart and Milhouse jumped into the nearest boat they could find and started the engine. It wouldn't work.

Bart got out and investigated the engine at the back. "It's broken."

"It must have been Lima-Bean that did it." Said Milhouse looking at it closely.

Bart chuckled. "Lima-Bean. Heh-Heh."

"Quick. Check for another boat." They looked at all the other boats, but all of them had broken engines, except one.

"This one seems good. He must have forgot to destroy the engine." Said Milhouse. They jumped in. "Turn it on!"

Bart turned the key, and the boat suddenly shot into the water. "Woah! This thing goes really fast!"

"Turn that way, Bart! The Springfield Dam's that way!"

Bart turned the boat and they headed towards the Dam, with blistering speed. Unfortunately, to get to the Springfield Dam, they had to break through the barriers that were put there to make sure boat renters followed the route they were given.

They crashed the wooden barrier and sped off.

line

Meanwhile, at the Springfield Bridge, Principal Seymour Skinner was walking home from work when he saw something he wasn't ever expecting.

He saw a boat speeding through water, with two small boys inside. In fact, those two small boys were…

_Well, I'll be damned,_ thought Skinner; _they're after just stealing a boat. What on earth is Simpson up to?_

He continued walking until he reached a pay phone. He brought out a quarter and called the police station. There was no answer.

He hung up and scratched his chin. "Hmm… no one at the police station, Bart and Milhouse going crazy on a boat, rumours of a man trying to murder his wife… Simpson must have spent months thinking this through. But no one can get past Seymour Skinner…" He walked on. "But first, I have to speak with Milhouse's mother about this…"

He headed over to Milhouse's house and knocked on the front door. After five minutes, no one had come to the door. Skinner raised his eyebrow.

"This is quite strange." Said Skinner. He looked inside the window, it was dark, and a fridge was open. He checked the door, it was open. He walked slowly inside. "Hello?" he called out. There was no answer. He closed the fridge and noticed a piece of paper at the table. He picked it up and read it.

"_Milhouse – Jack and I are going on a romantic boat-ride around Springfield; Jack even says he has a surprise for me! Be sure to be a good boy and go to school, we'll be home around seven, the key to the house is under the Welcome mat._

Mom." He read out loud. "Hmm… This is getting more and more strange." He turned around and headed towards the door, but bumped into a dark figure.   
"Oh, I'm sorry." He said. "I didn't mean to be rude…"   
The figure frowned and brought out a frying pan.   
Skinner started sweating. "Um, what are you going to be doing with th…"   
Before Skinner could finish his sentence, he was knocked cold and dragged out of the house.   
line   
As the boat got nearer and nearer to the Dam, Bart and Milhouse could see people, sitting, standing, and lying. They also saw another person dragging an unconscious body onto the dam.   
"That must be Lima-Bean!" said Milhouse.   
"Which one, the unconscious body or the person dragging it?" asked Bart.   
"The one dragging it, idiot!" said Milhouse.   
"Well, SOOORRRY!" said Bart.   
line   
But while Bart and Milhouse were getting closer to the dam, Stephen Lima-Bean was busy making sure things were looking smoothly for his plan to work. 

Luanne Van Houten had her hands and feet tied. "What on earth are you doing?" she shouted.

"It's simple," said Lima-Bean, as he threw Skinner down, not into the water below, mind, "I'm gonna pretend that we've been boating, and we crashed into the dam, and fell into the water below. As far as everyone will know, we'll be dead. And my brother, who's in Dakota right now, will start a charity to make sure dams will become stronger. The money will come raking in, and I'll be rich!"

"There's a hole in that plan, Jack." Said Luane.

"Oh, yeah? What?"

"If people think you're dead, you won't be able to use the money you'll get from the charity."

"Ah, but that's the thing. Jack Burtin isn't my real name. It's Stephen Lima-Bean."

"Lima-Bean?" said the tied-up Chief Wiggum. "Lima-Bean. Oh my god, that's an hilarious name!" He started laughing, but a kick in the stomach from Lima-Bean knocked him out.

"As I was saying, my name is Stephen Lima-Bean. When the charity starts, I'll revert back to my original name and move back to Dakota, where I'll run the charity with my brother and get cold hard cash!"

"But people might recognise you as Jack Burtin." Said The Sea Captain, who was also tied up, and had a black eye following a few kicks to try and get him unconscious.

"Two words: Plastic Surgery." Said Lima-Bean. "It's not so hard to change one's life."

"But, your family and friends…" said Luanne.

"The only person who truly knows me is my brother." Said Lima-Bean.

"Alright, I understand now, but why did you bring Wiggum, the Sea Captain and Principal Skinner here?"

"Because…" said Lima-Bean, an angry look in his eye, "they know too much. And you do too." Luanne still looked confused. "There are bombs in this dam. When the time has come to put my plan into effect, I'll go to a safe location, and destroy the dam, the four of you will go with it."

"Arr. You can't get away with this!" shouted The Sea Captain.

Lima-Bean sniggered. "Au contraire, I have everything settled, after the explosion, I'll go straight to my plastic surgery appointment, at Crazy Larry's Surgery Room. If he tells anyone he saw me after the crash, no one will believe him! And you wanna know why? Cos he's CRAZY!" He turned towards the trigger, which was a safe distance away from the dam, but before he even got off the dam, he heard screams, the screams of two small boys. He moved his head straight around and saw a boat speeding towards the dam, with Milhouse and Bart screaming inside.

line

Milhouse started to panic. "Bart, stop the boat! Stop the boat! STOP THE BOAT!"

"I'm trying, I'm trying!" Bart tried to stop it, but it seemed to be refusing to stop. He looked down. "Milhouse, the brakes are shot!"

Bart and Milhouse screamed even more as they rode over the top of the dam, rode right off. They had missed the people on it, but had fallen off the dam, and were falling into the big pool of water below.

"AAAAH!" the screamed.

"Milhouse? Milhouse!" shouted Luanne.

The boat fell down, with Bart and Milhouse still screaming, until it disappeared in the clouds of water below, and a great crash was heard. The screaming stopped. But the sound of crying from the top of the dam was heard.

line

Oh. My. God. I can't believe I wrote a story this far without making a rushed-up, crappy ending. Now I probably just jinxed myself. XD Please review, PLEASE!


	8. Triple Chocolate Donut with Sprinkles

Milhouse Gets A Step-Father

Chapter 8 – Triple Chocolate Swirl Donut With Sprinkles

Luanne almost had a nervous breakdown the moment she heard the crash from down below. She cuddled up and cried to herself. "Oh, Milhouse…"

Stephen Lima-Bean walked and looked down at the gushing water below. "Wow, this dam IS weak. I guess this makes things easier…"

"What?" asked Luanne, tears in her eyes.

"Think about it, I'll say you were with them and the boat went out of control and fell over the dam, and I, as your 'husband' will start a charity. No-one will question me."

"You mean, you're STILL going to pull the trigger and blow the dam up?"

"Pretty much…" said Lima-Bean, as he was walking away to the trigger, "see you in Hell…" he ran off and disappeared behind some bushes.

"No! Don't!" shouted Luanne. There was no point, as Lima-Bean had reached the safe point and couldn't hear her.

He rubbed his hands and laid them on the trigger. "Alright…" he breathed in, then out, and pushed down.

line

_What the… what happened? Hello? Is there anyone here?_

_Wow. This is weird. It's like I'm in Heaven or something…_

_Wait… what's that noise? It's like some sort of water…_

_**SPLASH!**_

_Gllomphelmelbleck!_

He waved his arms and opened his eyes. It was like a big pool with huge waterfalls falling in.

He remembered everything in about one tenth of a second.

He looked around for his friend, but he couldn't find anything, he started to worry, could he have drowned?

"Milhouse, get your butt up here!"

Milhouse turned his head to see Bart sitting on a riverbank, soaked to the skin. "Come on, Milhouse!"

Milhouse swam up to the bank and sat next to Bart. "Bart, do you know what happened to the boat?"

"It's over there," said Bart, pointing to a big pile of scrap metal right beside them, "It was crushed up pretty bad."

Milhouse frowned. "Well, at least we're still alive… and things can't get any worse…"

And, guess what? Things got worse

There was a huge sudden explosion from the top of the dam. Huge chunks of the dam fell off and fell down into the water with big crashes, with water falling in too (the dam, like ALL dams, was stopping the water from flowing out and flooding the town).

"RUN!" Bart shouted. Milhouse's eyes widened.

"Oh my god…"

Bart sprinted past him. He turned around and grabbed Milhouse's arm. "Milhouse, c'mon!"

Milhouse turned and sighed. "Alright…" A big chunk of the dam fell and crashed right beside them. "Aahh!"

"Milhouse!" Bart pulled Milhouse and they ran for their lives. "My god, that Lima-Bean is crazy!" shouted Bart, "Whatever he's planning, it must be really important to him."

"Or he could just be very crazy." Said Milhouse. "Where are we going, anyway?"

Bart suddenly stopped. "I don't know, actually… Where should we go?"

_SWOOOOOOOOOOSH!_

"FLOOOOOOOOD!" a huge river of water came gushing into the town. "I forgot! Quick, to my house!" Bart and Milhouse ran finally reached the Simpson household. They ran up to the front door and started banging on the door.

"Homer, let us in! Let us in!"

"What's the password?" came Homer's voice from inside.

"Password? Oh, no… He's playing army again…" Bart sighed, "Triple chocolate swirl donut."

"With…."

"Sprinkles."

"Password correct. You may come in."

"Alright, hurry hurry hurry!"

"Bart," said Milhouse, tapping his friend's shoulder.

"What?" asked Bart.

"The water's up to our knees." Bart looked down. The water was, in fact, up to their knees. They banged on the door again. "HOMER LET US IN! HOMER LET US IN!"

"I'm trying, but I can't find the right keys!" came Homer's voice from inside.

There was a great big pool of water flowing towards them, any second now they were going to be washed away.

"**_HOOOOMER!_**"

"Sorry, the key isn't here, it's probably in my room…"

"Homer, Homer, HOMER!"

"Homer, what are you doing?"

"Playing army…"

"AGAIN?"

"Marge, where's the key?"

"It's there, you're sitting on it…"

"Oh, right…"

The door opened, showing Homer, Marge, and a lot of pillows, chairs and little plastic soldiers. Bart and Milhouse stormed inside and slammed the door behind them.

Marge raised her eyebrow. "Bart, what's happening out there…"

_WOOOOOOOOOSH!_

"Mom…" came Lisa's voice from the kitchen. "It's flooding."

When the flood settled and the noise stopped, Marge shooed Homer, Milhouse and Bart into the kitchen. They all sat down at the table. "Now, tell me everything that happened."

Milhouse's eyes widened. "Oh, no…"

"What?" asked Bart.

"My mom was on the dam when it blew up!" shouted Milhouse.

line

Aah, cliffhangers. :P As usual, please please review. Thanks :)


	9. I'm With You, Lou!

Milhouse Gets A Step-Father

Chapter 9 – I'm With You, Lou!

Bart and Milhouse explained quickly to Marge and Homer about everything that happened. Unfortunately, Marge wasn't having any of it.

"Bart, that's got to be the most full-blown and idiotic story that I ever heard out of your mouth! I'll have you know I was talking to Milhouse's mother on the phone. She wants her son back home NOW."

"But Mom!" said Bart.

"No buts, Bart J. Simpson! Up to your room! And Milhouse, go home, your mother wants you!"

"But my mom was on the dam…"

"GO!"

As Bart walked up to his room and Milhouse walked out into the watery mess outside, Marge sat back down. "Ptuah! Stephen Lima-Bean… Who would be called Stephen Lima-Bean? Though I must admit it is a funny name…"

* * *

At Milhouse's house, Stephen Lima-Bean laid down the phone. He'd after made 30 calls to Luanne's friends and family all around Springfield, pretending he was Luanne (and doing a pretty good impression too). That'll make sure they won't believe any rumours they might here…

But how would they hear it? Luanne and the other men were blown up on the dam, the boys _fell off_ the dam, who would hear it?

_I guess I'm just very protective of myself…_ thought Lima-Bean, as he stepped towards the door…

* * *

Bart and Milhouse were running. Fast. Bart had just escaped from his room and now he and Milhouse were sprinting as fast as they could to Milhouse's house. Bart had a funny feeling something would be happening…

When they finally reached the house, they heard grunts from inside. "I bet that's him!" whispered Milhouse.

"OK." Said Bart. "Sneak in the back, and grab something you can hurt him with. Maybe a wooden plank or something…"

"How about a wooden plank with a nail in it? I found two of them beside my shed." Said Milhouse, holding up said planks with nails hammered in.

"Perfect." Said Bart. "OK, just follow me…"

They walked slowly inside, and, true enough, saw Lima-Bean nearing the door. They walked ever slowly, so he could not hear them.

"OK, NOW!" shouted Bart.

"Huh?" Lima-Bean turned his head and met face-to-face with two wooden planks with nails in them…. But the nails themselves didn't hit him.

He fell unconscious to the ground. "Yes!" Bart. "We got him! C'mon! Get the police!"

They didn't need to get the police, just a second later, officer Eddie and Lou knocked the door down. "There they are!" Eddie said. "The boys who saw Chief Wiggum last."

"And look!" Lou pointed at Lima-Bean. "They've just killed someone!"

"He's not dead," said Milhouse, "He's just knocked out."

"SO! Attempted murder…" said Lou. "They must have killed Wiggum too. Let's arrest 'em!"

"I'm with you, Lou!" said Eddie, as they hand-cuffed Bart and Milhouse and dragged them to the squad car.

As they threw the boys in the back, they said, "Best get comfy boys, if you're found guilty, you'll be going away for a long time…"

"No!" shouted Bart. "I can't go to juvie again. I can't!"

"Too bad, punk." Said Eddie. The car drove off towards the police station.

* * *

End of Chapter 9… Chapter 10 coming soon. Yeah… 


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